Dissonance
by inklingdrop
Summary: Time apart helps scars heal but it doesn't mend souls. (A Post-Tartarus story where Lucy tries to deal with the aftermath of the war)
1. Chapter 1

It was apparent that something had happened to their celestial mage when they found her after the battle. Tears continued to roll down her cheeks as she gasped for air in between her soft cries, her voice hoarse and soft pleads desperate. Natsu had immediately pulled her into a hug, assuring her that it was over, that he was there. So many things had transpired. They all had their secrets about the fight, they all had fresh scars and heartaches but they were together and that's all that mattered in that moment. Despite the odds and reality, they had all somehow made it. None of them knew how much that had cost the blonde though.

"It's okay," Natsu whispered, holding Lucy against his chest as tightly as he could without breaking her. "It's over now, Luce. Let's go home."

Everything felt different. There was so much to grieve, so much healing to do. They'd just conquered a war but the scars left behind were almost too hard to bear. It was okay though because at least they could support each other in the way they always had.

A few days after they arrived back to Magnolia, Natsu left, leaving just a letter for Lucy and empty promises for the future. The fact that the one person who had promised to stay by her side forever had been the first person to leave her will forever heart her heart in an unspeakable way. He knew how she was about promises, how scared she was of being alone. They were so dependent on each other and yet when she needed him the most, he disappeared.

She remembers reading the note and her breath catching in her throat, running out of the house after him, hoping and praying and wishing that she could catch up to him before he was gone. She followed his magic trail, the path becoming more and more familiar as she sprinted past the blurred faces and streets.

She was met with an empty home. Nearly everything was still in its place but their absence was so glaringly obvious to her. Lucy was completely silent as she ventured through the house, flipping off the lights as she made her way to his bedroom. The bed wasn't made and his clothes were just everywhere but the photograph of them from when she'd first joined was carefully plucked out of the frame hanging over his bed, making his departure even more apparent.

The words in his letter swirled around her mind as she began to sob, curling up in his bed, surrounded by his smell and energy. It helped but she still knew he wasn't there. If he was here, she wouldn't be cold or alone.

She laid there for days, unwilling to move. Her other half had just left her and all she could feel was devastated. Her mother, her father, and Aquarius' losses rung louder in her mind as she dove into the swimming pool of depression and despair, wondering why she always seemed to end up alone.

Gajeel was the one who found her. He sat by her, not needing words to understand what had transpired. He would just be there for her in whatever way she needed because he knew if Levy had left him right after what they'd gone through, he would have died inside.

And as soon as things seemed to be getting better, it seemed like the Gods would just laugh and turn their lives upside down again. The day after Lucy started coming back to the guild, Master announced the disbandment of the only place most of the guild members called home. Before they could even process his words, he was gone. Just like Natsu. Just like Aquarius. Without the guild, Magnolia no longer felt like home. So, one by one, everyone left.

The news of Fairy Tail disbanding spread like wildfire. Job offers came flooding in for the better-known mages from all across Earthland and though at first, many refused to go anywhere else. They would give long emotional speeches about how they were going to get Fairy Tail back together and how this was their home and they could _never _leave. But Lucy knew. Their departure was inevitable. There was nothing here for them anymore besides false hope and memories and you couldn't build a life off of those two things.

The Strauss' were the first to leave. Everything had just fallen in place for them in Crocus. Sorcerer's Weekly had offered Mira a position as one of their permanent models. There was an amazing gym where Elfman began working at as a trainer and Lisanna started interning at a vet clinic. They were careers that fit their interests perfectly and would be able to pay the bills and such for as long as Fairy Tail wasn't an option. They invited the blonde to go with them, knowing her love for Crocus, but she'd declined. Natsu had asked her to take after the guild after all. This was her home and the rest of her people were here. She couldn't imagine leaving them at a time like this.

Juvia had confided to Lucy about all that had happened with Gray, unsure what to do to help the man heal. Turns out, Gray had already had a plan in place. In the next few weeks, he gathered his belongings and decided he had to leave as well. He said stuff about finding himself, the same bullshit every other guildmember had fed the ones who stayed, before leaving. Lucy was thankful that he had at least had the courage to bid her goodbye in person, the sting of Natsu's departure still fresh. Being around everyone helped her forget, though. It was nice to talk about strawberry cake and hypothetical plans for the future because it helped them forget about the horrors of the war.

Then, there was Erza. She'd been whisked away by the magic council when they hired her to be a freelance mage for them. They needed someone to complete the missions that would have been directed towards her and Fairy Tail and so, after apologizing to everyone profusely, she'd left as well. Lucy suspected that the redhead had a bigger reason for leaving (Jellal), but before she could confirm it, Erza was hugging her goodbye and climbing aboard the next train to the capital.

"I'll see you soon," Erza had promised. "I'll visit often."

Lucy smiled and nodded, a small part of her knowing that this would be the last time she saw the redhead for a very long time. A small part of her knowing that when she returned, nothing would be the same. Too many people were leaving and Lucy just knew that if she was left alone, every part of her would break and fall to pieces.

Gajeel and Levy had also been recruited by the Magic Council, but as officers. At first, they had been adamant about staying. Screw the Magic Council, they had said. But the pay was so good and Levy could learn so much about the world that with a few weeks of poking and prodding, they began packing up their things to leave. Lucy didn't want them to leave. They were the last people she wanted to be separated from right now. They were the only two people in the guild she felt like she could be around without faking a smile. They'd begged for her to come along, made the council offer her a job as well, but the thought of leaving the only place she'd ever called homemade her nauseous.

"Please come with us," Gajeel begged, pulling the blonde into a tight hug. He mentioned their beautiful apartment and the view. Levy reminded her of the traveling, but none of it was enough.

"I'm just… I have to stay here," Lucy shrugged, playing with the hem of her shirt. "Laxus and people are still here. I can't just leave them."

"Just because Natsu told you to take care of the guild doesn't mean you have to stay here," Levy whispered, the scrawled handwriting coming to mind. Lucy cringed at the thought of the dragon slayer, pain radiating through her body.

"I know. I promise I'll be fine," Lucy said in hushed tones in a weak attempt to assure the two that them leaving her wouldn't crush her entire being. "Just send me a bunch of postcards, okay?"

And then they were gone. The last people she would have told about Aquarius were gone and she knew that she'd probably have to carry this loss by herself for the rest of her life. Hypothetical situations flooded her mind as she curled up into her bed the night after saying goodbye to them and just _sobbed._ Lucy had refused to cry in front of them that day, knowing it would just make them worry and stay even longer. She had smiled and hugged them and said goodbye but now, she was home and so utterly alone.

She missed Natsu.

She missed the guild.

She missed Aquarius.

Laxus was the last to leave. He hadn't wanted to. He felt responsible for the entire guild now that his grandfather wasn't. He'd helplessly watched everyone slowly leave, unable to reopen without finding Gramps and getting him to sign off the guild to him. The old man had disappeared soon after his announcement and despite their efforts in trying to find him, he remained missing. Since he was the last one to leave, he was also the only one to truly witness Lucy become a shell of the woman she used to be. It was terrifying to see her fall apart silently like that, still coming to 8-Island every day and putting on a smile for the Thunder Tribe. He didn't want to leave her alone in Magnolia with no one, but when they caught a trail of Gramps, he knew he has to leave. If there was a chance of bringing the guild back, he had to pursue it.

"You have to go," Lucy told him quietly, tracing the top of her coffee mug. The silence was deafening as she looked up at him, tears in her eyes. "You have to bring him back, Laxus, because I don't know what I'm going to do if the guild doesn't come back together. So, _please_, bring him back."

Laxus stared at her, unsure of how to respond to her emotional words. He couldn't muster up the strength or positivity in himself to assure her that everything would be alright, just nodding and placing his hand atop of hers.

He leaves the next day with his entourage.

The letter that sat silently on her desk glared at her with ferocity, daring her to leave, daring her to break his trust. She knew she couldn't. Lucy had tried countless times, buying a ticket to go visit someone, somewhere and marching to the train station with her bags packed before getting this soul-crushing, suffocating feeling which always ended up with her staring at the trains until it was too late to go.

The emptiness in her chest seemed to grow with each passing day and Lucy wasn't sure how to cope with that. She tried distracting herself. She worked at the bookstore in the city for a while and then freelanced for Sorcerer's Weekly but she could never find her focus. She couldn't write. She couldn't think. She couldn't breathe.

She thinks that maybe this had been it. This had been her breaking point. That after years and years of tragedy after tragedy, she has finally reached the point where she just can't be healed. _Or_ she thought that maybe it could've been all of the things together. First, losing Aquarius. Then Natsu leaving and the guild disbanding and everyone else leaving her behind. Maybe it was just too much.

She sits in front of the map strung with pins and photographs of her former guildmates in silence. The television provides enough noise in the background, the news channel dragging on about the decline of Fairy Tail. It seems like the sole topic they cover is her former guild and nearly always in a negative light. The wonder about the whereabouts of the Salamander and the reason under it all. Lucy wishes they knew so that she could understand it all herself.

It's a quiet night as she traces the separate postcards from Levy and Gajeel, both probably trying to outshine each other. It's times like these where it's quiet and cold that she misses everyone the most. She'd forgotten what winters really felt like without him by her side, without someone to lend her a jacket or someone to huddle next to. She'd forgotten what it felt like to be alone.

Her magic buzzes inside her veins in response to her strong emotions and she can see her keys light up in protest on her desk. Guilt pools in her chest when she realizes how long it's been since she's summoned one of her spirits. Lucy knows that punishing herself for Aquarius by shunning her celestial magic was hurting them more but every time she holds her keys, all she can feel is the broken bond between her and Aquarius.

* * *

_Minor changes to fix some plot holes and mistakes! Thank you for reading!_


	2. Chapter 2

The raindrops provide a rather melancholious sound to her late-night musings. Her ink pen swirls across the page, letters forming as her mind races to find the right words to express the darkness pooling in her chest. It's not the type of darkness that correlates with revenge nor the type with envy. It's guilt and frustration and loneliness that plague her mind like a disease. Every second, waking or asleep, is full of the terrors of the past or fears for the future.

Fall has now come and gone. The leaves have faded away to the magnificent array of colors Magnolia was infamous for. The passing of the seasons is a constant reminder of the time passing. To her, it seems like each day keeps stretching further and further. Perhaps, it's the sleepless nights that make the days feel so long but nonetheless, time is passing by faster than she can understand and while everyone else is out exploring and figuring themselves out, Lucy is brooding in the four walls of her apartment. She is staring at the adventures and stories that could have been, the family she could have been surrounded by that feels so distant now. _Regret. _She regrets not demanding that they stay or leaving with them. His letter still sits on her desk, still gives her a heavy heart. Besides the letter, there are a dozen more untouched postcards from an array of people. The less she acknowledges their departure, the better she feels.

Lucy can find it in herself to forgive certain people, knowing that they _had _to leave. Laxus and his team, for example, left to help her and though she misses them and wishes they were still here, without them trying to find Makarov there would be no chance of their guild reuniting. One person she knows forgiveness will not come easy for is Natsu. Him leaving had been thoughtless and selfish. For someone who placed family so high in his priorities, rambled on and on about how they were meant to stay together and fight side by side until the end of time, he had sure forgotten all about them, _all about her,_ and left without a trace. Memories of their time together make her blood boil and she often finds herself glaring at photographs of him and whispering insults under her breathe in an attempt to release some of the pent up anger accumulating in her soul. This same anger transfers over to her relationship with the rest of Team Natsu and day by day, the photos of them strung across her apartment are slowly taken down and packed neatly into a box taped up and stowed away in the depths of her closet. The same depths where her guildmates things left in her home were hidden along with all of her weapons and magical clothes.

The twinkling sound of a call sounds through her otherwise silent apartment and she rises from her seat to find her lacrima. Laxus' face shines on the screen and she can't help the hope bubbling up in her chest as she accepts the call.

"Hey, Blondie," he greets, a soft but sad smile adorning his worn-out face. His shoulders are slumped and she notices the desperation in his eyes. The look doesn't suit him and Lucy would much rather see a smile on his face. She musters up the biggest smile she can, the stretch of her cheeks feeling foreign after so long. It takes more effort than she expects to joke around with him.

"Hey yourself, Spark Plug," she grins, watching him chuckle at her words. The sound of his laughter brings her a relief she hasn't felt since their last call, despite knowing there's no good news being delivered today.

"I'm glad you're doing okay," he whispers. He knows the blank look in her eyes too well but if she's going to pretend to be alright for him, he would let her. After all, he isn't there to have the conversation he knows she needed. He had left her just like the others, so who is he to feel entitled to knowing her true emotions?

"As okay as I can be," Lucy responds, a soft sigh escaping her mouth as she waits for him to tell her what was wrong. "How's everything over there?"

"We were too late," Laxus whispers, explaining how they had arrived at where Makarov was staying just a few hours after he departed. He promises that they're close, that he could follow his scent and find him soon. She ignores the crack in his voice, a frown adorning her face as he cleared his throat in an attempt to play off his glassy eyes. He feels so defeated. They had been searching for weeks now and this is the closest they'd gotten. The disappointment and frustration are never-ending as he vents to the blonde that he hopes will whisper words that will bring him solace. He had promised her after all, swore to her that he would bring him and everyone else home. Her shaky voice still rings in his ears when he's close to giving up, reminding him why he was still following the faint trail left by his grandfather.

"You'll find him," Lucy assures him in a soft voice. No matter how supportive she tries to sound, he can hear how hopeless it all seems to her at this point. Deep down, she knew Fairy Tail was over. Even if they got Master, if they got all the members back in Magnolia and rebuilt the guild, it would never be the same again. At least not for her. She would always hold this frustration and anger in her soul, too afraid of them leaving again to voice her true emotions towards their disappearance. "It might take some time but he's your grandfather. You know him best."

"I promise I'll bring him back," he says, watching her nod. This odd smile, devoid of any happiness, was plastered on her face as she mumbles the same encouraging words she did every time. Each time they sound less convincing.

The call ends, just as it always does, and Lucy is left alone in her apartment. She eyes the pen and paper lying on her desk before deflating, her sudden spout of inspiration gone and now, feeling the same heavy, swirling feeling in her chest that seemed to almost never cease. Her bed feels more spacious than ever as she curls into a ball under her cold covers, making herself as small as possible. Despite the sounds of the night and rainfall desperately trying to lull her asleep, worries bedevil her as she stares at her ceiling until her morning alarm buzzes softly on her side table.

Her days are incredibly mundane as she trudges around her apartment, watching the news and adding to her slightly obsessive map when she isn't lost in her thoughts. Her phone call with Laxus had left a lot of questions about the entire situation, the inquiries bouncing around in her mind restlessly. As the next few days pass, all she thinks about is Aquarius or her old guildmates or Makarov or the scattered emotions that pass over her in waves. Some moments are less chaotic than others, full of simple reminiscing and wishing the best for others. While others are full of sobbing for her spirits or fits of rage towards Natsu. It doesn't help that she hasn't been able to sleep since the phone call, her mind more active than ever as her map continuously grows with more information on all of their whereabouts. She rationalizes this behavior as being committed to gathering information for when Laxus finds Makarov and they need to get ahold of everyone to bring them home. Day and night, all she does is obsess over all of this, forgetting about food and money.

Then, she crashes. Perhaps it's the lack of sleep or her depression finally catching up to flood her overactive imagination but the emptiness in her chest fills each hollow hole to the point where she finally feels full except with all the wrong things. The moping and trudging returns as do the mood swings and helplessness. The sole solace she finds is climbing onto her rooftop, something she had rarely gotten to do with the guild here in fear of them destroying her apartment while she was gone, and watching the stars twinkle. Memories of her mothers' soft words and smile sweet as honey never fail to calm her heart pounding with anxiety. Stories of the spirits and thoughts of their time together make her feel a mixture of longing and happiness that she feels for her guildmates on good days.

Stargazing for the sixth night in a row had culminated this heap of unused magical energy that creates this never-ending buzzing under her skin that makes her feel like she's tipsy. It's a sensation she's never felt before since she never went long without using her keys but the combination of not summoning a spirit in a few months and watching the stars has her giddy and ready to conquer the world again. Lucy takes a stumbling step out of her apartment, the keys in her bag nearly jumping with joy at the thought of being used.

The blonde reaches the clearing near her apartment she typically used for training in a just few minutes before quickly reaches into her bag to grab her keys and relishing the electricity that follows. The blonde tunnels her magic into the keys, smiling as she begins to connect with her silver keys and then slowly her gold keys. Each connection has a distinct smell, a taste, a color. Plue's connection is a sky blue that reminds her of cotton candy. Loke's is a blinding yellow that makes her think of Laxus.

Before she can stop herself, she tunnels her magic into Aquarius' broken key, momentarily forgetting about all the events that had transpired over the past few months. There's a screeching halt in the flow she had created, a sharp note out of tune. _A dissonance._ All her energy leaves her in a sigh as she's brought back to reality.

"Hey," he greets softly, the light surrounding him dimmer than usual. As much as he loves the spirit world, he's so happy to be back on Earthland by Lucy's side. She'd had such a strong cap on her magic the past few months that he couldn't even pop up with his own magic despite his desire to. "Haven't seen you in a while."

Lucy wants to scoff at the casual tone behind his words. He whispered those words as if they were friends who hadn't seen each other in a while, too busy in their own lives to catch up with the others. He said it as if she hadn't forced them all into the confines of their own world, emphasizing her role as their summoner despite her previous promises not to.

"We miss you."

"I know," Lucy whispers, burying her face in her knees as she curls into herself. Guilt pools in her chest and all she wants is a big hug from Natsu or Levy but she knows that they're halfway across the country and that _they left her_, so, she was just going to have to deal with this on her own. She refuses to burden her spirits with this, the overwhelming aftermath of breaking Aquarius' key and everything that followed suit. "I miss all of you too. _All of you_."

"She misses you too," he says, his voice so quiet she almost doesn't hear it. "She doesn't say it because… it's her, but we can tell. She misses you. She loves you."

"I'm so _sorry,_" she cries, pressing a shaky hand over her mouth to hold in her sobs. A soft breeze sweeps her hair off her shoulders as she wails at the final realization that she would never see Aquarius again. They would never get to fight together or bicker. She would never get to hear about her mother from the spirit or swim with her. Aquarius' was gone. Her first friend, the closest thing to a true family, a mother, she has is gone.

During Tartarus they had achieved the impossible so Lucy had been naively holding on to hope that she would be able to somehow bring Aquarius back, somehow fix her key. She thought it was pathetic that she could save her guild but not without sacrificing her closest friend. If only she had been stronger. If only they all had been stronger. Even though Lucy knows she's improved immensely in her magical abilities, she still feels weak because of the sacrifice she'd had to make.

"You had to do it, Lucy," Loke tells her, settling into the grass beside her. "There was no other choice and there's nothing we can do about it now, so just get stronger, be happy and live your life to the fullest so that the sacrifice isn't for nothing."

She can't find it within herself to look at him, ashamed by her actions, afraid of being too weak again and having to let go of another one of her spirits. The next problem Fairy Tail would encounter would be even harder and they had just barely survived the last one. She couldn't lose one of them again so instead of facing them, growing stronger and taking the measures she knew she should take to avoid a repetition of the past; she had been trying to ignore their existence altogether.

"Aquarius watches you," he whispers, his presence dulling beside her. She doesn't know whether to feel relieved that he was leaving or sad. She's missed her lion more than words could describe but having to face him was easily one of the most difficult things she's had to do over the past few months. "Don't disappoint her, Princess."

Lucy finally looks in his direction once his light has disappeared, the buzzing in her veins replaced with the smallest seedling of drive and determination that she can only hope will bloom into so much more. She wants to do more, to train, to write, to work, but she has to reach a point of tranquil within herself before she can even integrate into society again.

She would do it though, work through her problems and towards whatever goal she ends up striving towards. She would do it to hear about how Aquarius spoke about her, the twinge of pride covered by annoyance she always displayed easily coming to mind when thinking about the woman. Even though the gaping holes in her chest are ever present and she's still drowning in her sorrows, she feels a piece of herself return through seeing one of her spirits again and finally, _finally, _the thought of everything coming together someday surfaces in her mind once more.

* * *

Hi, hey, hello. Thank you so much for the reviews and favorites and follows. It truly motivates me to no end to see people reading this and responding. I have lots of emotional twists and turns that involve your favorite and maybe least favorite FT members, so stay tuned! I hope you like this chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

_Sorry for the wait! I've been traveling and then writing and rewriting but I finally pieced together enough to make a full chapter. I hope you all like it!_

* * *

The golden light filtering through her windows brings her the same tranquility as the stars as she begins to go through the stack of letters that had previously been collecting dust on her front table. She's been avoiding shuffling through them, not wanting to face the fact that everyone was moving on without her. It was a difficult truth that she still hadn't swallowed but eventually, her curiosity got the best of her and she found herself sitting against her bed, facing the wall full of photos of her guild members to open the heap of mail.

Mira's sent a package of some of her favorite snacks from Hargeon and a new key with a letter asking her about Laxus and the rest of the guild. She can't put a name to the familiar constellation, twirling the key between her fingers as she digs through memories of astrology lessons with her mother. After several moments of drawing a blank, she carefully places the key back in the box. Even if she did know the name of the spirit, it was unlikely that she would make a contract with it. She isn't summoning these days and though her spirits understand why, she doesn't expect anyone else to. Her spirits understand the weight that sits heavy on her shoulders by bearing Aquarius' mark. She would never want to trap a spirit in that way, so as touched as she is by the gift, she makes a mental note to send it to Yukino later. That way, the key would find a good home.

Gray has sent her a curt letter asking how she is, not disclosing too much to Lucy's dismay. Her mood is quickly flipped when she sees Juvia's curly handwriting on the back telling her all about the prolonged looks and intimate moments. And she's happy for them, _all of them_. She really truly is but she can't help but long to be there with them throughout all of this, to witness all that they've written about instead of reading about it days, weeks later. Despite their soft promises of return and musings about her and her health, they feel worlds away.

Erza has sent her a mirage of letters and postcards, some full of triumphant bragging and others with concern for her and the guild. _If they're so worried, they should come back and see how the guild and I are doing,_ she thinks bitterly. Before anger can creep through her veins, she forces the red she sees to fade out into the numb sea of grays and blues that she's become used to. She skims through the rest, losing interest, knowing that the one person she wants to hear from had sent nothing.

She pauses on Levy and Gajeel's letters, tracing over her own address on the envelope, both in Levy's neat handwriting. The couple has both sent her letters, detailing their travels and concern for her lack of a response. Levy's letter reads like a novel, her small and neat handwriting covering the pages in eloquent words.

This time, she can't stop the bitterness from creeping to the depths of her soul as her eyes dart to the crumpled pieces of paper filling her trashcan and the half-finished novel on her desk. The novel feels impossible to complete. The writing on the pages mirror her own life and when reading it over, she finds herself hating it more and more with each page. She's not sure whether she hates her younger self or whether she hates feeling like her life has derailed completely since that first day she ran away from home. Either way, she had this heart wrenching feeling that the novel she had once poured her soul into was never going to be complete now.

Silence. Everything around her stills as the thought settles into her soul. She feels water drip from her chin onto her chest, slowly lifting her hand to press on her wet eyes. Lucy finally pushes the letters in her lap aside, training her eyes on the photograph of her team and her carefully mounted above her dresser in the middle of the dozens of other photographs she has plastered onto the wall. _Simpler times, _she thinks.

Her depression frantically claws at her, desperately tries to pull her back into bed. She longs for the nights full of laughter and warmth, sleeping and waking curled beside someone. It's obvious that when they return, they'll have changed from their travels, especially the ones who left with the purpose of soul searching. And even if they aren't different, if Natsu is the same carefree, protective, child he was before, _she's_ different. She can feel the shift in small things. No matter how hard she tries to regain that bounce in her step, that sparkle in her smile, she always falls short.

She misses herself. She misses the woman she was before Tartarus, before everyone left. Lucy doesn't know who she is now without her spirits and friends. After all, they were what defined her.

Before she can stop herself, she's ripping the pictures down. Pulling at the tape behind each one until all that's left is the framed photograph. Lucy stares at it once more, wiping her tears away with her sleeve as she contemplates her next move. The frame feels warm in her trembling blue fingers and she can't remember the last time she was warm_._ If only she had someone to warm her.

The sound of glass shattering echoes through the bedroom as she drops the frame, watching as it crashes onto the ground. The glass bounces off the floor a few times before becoming still, spreading across her floor on top of the photograph and she thinks of setting the whole damn apartment on fire before realizing what she's done. Her sobs are the only sound as she crouches down to pluck the photograph out of the sea of shards. Holding the picture to her chest, she closes her eyes and just prays for their return because, at this point, there was nothing else she could do.

* * *

There's a loud knock on her door a few days later deep in the night, startling the blonde out of her slumber. She grabs her keys off of the drawer on her nightstand before approaching the door.

"God, you took fuckin' forever to open the door," Bickslow tells her, wrapping his arms around her in a quick hug before entering her apartment, leaving the shell-shocked blonde at the door. "Well, I guess it _is_ pretty late here."

He continues to babble about completely irrelevant things as Lucy tries to wrap her foggy mind around his sudden appearance at her door.

"What are you doing here?" She finally manages to ask. He begins rambling once more, stringing unrelated stories and tidbits together before finally looking at her as if she was supposed to understand a single word of what he had just said. Lucy can't help but laugh, stepping forward to envelop him in a hug. She's never seen him so talkative or energetic before and she can't deny the happiness that bubbles in her chest from his impromptu visit. "I'm glad you're here."

He watches her as she begins making two cups of coffee, noticing the changes in her demeanor. Her apartment is clean, _too clean, _and something's hidden behind a sheet next to her television that piques his interest. Her voice is quiet when she speaks, barely above a whisper, and he finds himself wondering how someone can change so much in such a small amount of time and whether he had changed as well. It's nearly silent as they wait for the coffee to brew, both of them processing the changes in the other. Finally, after a few minutes, they curl onto opposite sides of her sofa as Lucy asks how he is. He pauses, not quite sure how he should answer the question.

"I'm fine," he says finally. "It's, uh, it's tough. What about you, Blondie?"

Lucy smiles softly, unable to hide her worry at his words. She shrugs at his question, not wanting to unload all of her emotions on him. It's almost uncomfortable to share details of her life now, so she redirects the conversation towards him. Thankfully, Bickslow begins to talk about how life is there. He details the routine they follow, the identities they assume, the troubles they often encounter.

"There's definitely something weird going on. They're suddenly becoming stricter at the borders and they have new regulations on trading and immigration. And they're so much more advanced than we are. They have these transportation lacrimas and items like rings and weapons that have magic infused in them, so it doesn't really matter if you're a mage or not."

"Transportation lacrimas?" Lucy repeats, narrowing her eyes at him.

"It's how I got here," he tells her, rummaging the pocket of his jacket to grab his other one to show her. It almost feels like clay in her hands and she looks up at him in surprise as she melds the shape in her hand. It looks like a normal, translucent piece of lacrima despite its different texture. She's never even read about this before.

"Why don't we have this? This is amazing. And to be able to use magic without being a mage? That's pretty much unheard of here…" she whispers.

"The people there seem to hate us," he goes on. "It took us months to finally get in and just when we thought we'd accomplished something, we realized how much work was still left. Alakitasia is huge and we don't even know if Master is there for sure or—"

"Why he left in the first place," Lucy adds quietly. They both sit in silence, both trying to comprehend the truth of the situation. They'd been left with so many unanswered questions with the disbandment and after months of searching, they still had no answers.

"It just… I'm _tired_ of it," he shakes his head. "At this point, it feels like all of the sneaking around and manipulating we've done so far has been for nothing and the fact that we're going to _continue _to live like this for god knows how many more fuckin' months is…"

"C'mere," Lucy whispers, wrapping her arms around the man to comfort him. All she wants to do is curl into a ball and cry but she knows she has to be here for him right now. She has to help him and motivate him because if him, Laxus, Evergreen and Freed give up there'll be no hope of Fairy Tail ever coming back together. If they didn't find Makarov, nothing would ever be the same again because as much as some people would like to believe that he'll come back, Lucy knows he won't. Those people didn't notice the look in his eyes the days before he left.

She coughs to clear her throat before speaking, "I, um, I haven't been able to leave Magnolia since…"

"Tartarus," he finishes. She stares at him for a moment before nodding.

"I'm scared that… _someone_ will come home while I'm gone and realize that no one's here," she admits. She's not sure how much she'll be able to tell him but she needs him to know that they're the reason she's still holding onto hope. "And I haven't really used my magic since. I can't keep a stable job even when I try because all the jobs I like either ask too much of me or make me travel and sometimes, it gets really lonely being here but I keep going, Bickslow. I _have _to keep going and so do you because without Makarov… it'll all be over. Fairy Tail can't be over."

He stares at her as she practically begs him to find the motivation to find Master and feels terrible for being so quick to vent his troubles. He hadn't even thought about how he must have sounded to her, someone who had been solely relying on them to bring her family back together. He notices how broken and small she looks sitting across from him with her arms hugging her knees to her chest and all he can do is nod and place a gentle hand on hers.

They spend the rest of the night talking to each other. Bickslow tells her about the frustrations of traveling with his team and how moody Laxus and Evergreen can be.

"One second, they'll be completely fine," he explains, waving his hands animatedly in the air. "And the next, they'll practically be shouting at each other about the tiniest fuckin' things like dishes or laundry. But, you know what, at least those fights are easy to tolerate. When they disagree on anything related to Master or Fairy Tail, let's just say that Freed and I make sure to have a whole list of errands to run to avoid their wrath."

He tells her about the architecture and all the new things he's seen. He tells her about the different foods and tries to make her laugh as much as he can because he can tell she hasn't laughed in weeks. She asks about the rest, wondering how they were handling everything.

"Well, Freed seems the most put together out of all of us. I think he's enjoying the new territory but he's definitely tired. Evergreen constantly fuckin' complains about being 'surrounded by testosterone' and how disgusting we are. I'm sure she'd love a visit from you. Any of us would," he says.

"I couldn't visit," Lucy smiles sadly, her heart squeezing at the thought of leaving Magnolia and going so far.

"One of us could stay back here and chill while you were there," Bickslow tells her, suddenly excited at the idea. "It would give us all a break and you could start gettin' out of here a little and help us out there. I'm sure everyone would be on board."

"I don't know," she answers after a moment. Even with someone here, she doesn't want to leave unless she has to but she knows how much it would help them if she were to replace one of them once in a while. "Why don't you go back and make sure it's alright with everyone before making any plans?"

He nods, telling her that she wouldn't be able to get out of this by asking him to table it before slumping back.

"And Laxus? How is he?"

Bickslow furrows his eyebrows, staring at his long empty coffee mug as he tries to piece together coherent words to explain how Laxus is. If he could tell her that the man was on the verge of killing all of them and then killing himself, he would, but he knows he has to phrase it in a way that won't worry her too much.

"He's… dealing with it," he says slowly. "I think all of this has been the hardest on him but he doesn't really talk to anyone, so I wouldn't know the extent of it. He lashes out a lot like he used to before we attacked the guild but I think he's dealing with it as well as he can."

Lucy quiets, worry filling her chest as she thinks of the four of them. She remembers how toxic their friendship had been years ago and she hopes it won't get to that point again. She hopes Laxus will never sink that low again.

"What about you?" Bickslow asks once he feels like he's summarized every detail of his time away. "I've been talking about myself for way too fuckin' long. How've you been, Blondie?"

She stumbles over her words, trying to find something worth talking about before laughing softly at herself. "I don't have anything very interesting to tell you. I've been in here a lot. I freelance for Sorcerer's Weekly sometimes but I, um… I think they're going to drop me because they want a full-time worker rather than an ex-Fairy who won't leave Magnolia. Um… I bake sometimes now and I drink a lot of coffee to deal with the, uh, insomnia."

"Do you like working at Sorcerer's?" He asks, carefully listening to her problems. The least he could do for her is help her sort through the problems she told him. She nods, talking to him about the articles she got to write on the other guilds and the change in magic over the years. It's been a good way for her to somewhat ground herself over the past few months. Having deadlines forced her to write and even if the articles weren't what she wishes she was writing, it was still nice to see her work published. "Then, why don't you apply for the full-time job? Mira only travelled, like, once a month for a few days."

"I know but…" she shakes her head, her chest feeling tight at the thought.

"There's no harm in trying, right? The first few times, I can stay here while you're gone. Just to give you some peace of mind," he offers, hoping that it would make her more open to the idea of leaving Magnolia. It couldn't be easy living in the empty city, walking around and feeling the stares full of pity, seeing the tattered guildhall. This job could help her find a new family and a new purpose in case they weren't able to bring the guild back together.

"Okay," she finally whispers, after a few more minutes of convincing. Lucy knows she would have loved to be a writer for Sorcerer's Weekly if she hadn't been a part of Fairy Tail and she hopes that she'll still love it, no matter how much she's changed. Within an hour, Bickslow has helped her book a time slot for an interview in Crocus and picked out her clothes for the trip.

Eventually, the conversation slows and Bickslow can tell that it's past the blonde's bedtime by the way she's yawning. He wonders when the last time she had a full night of sleep was. She helps him get situated on the couch before whispering a soft goodbye and heading to her own room. Bickslow waits until her breathing evens out before creeping out from other the blankets. He tip-toes towards the board beside the TV, carefully picking up one side of the sheet to peek underneath.

"Oh," he whispers to himself, raising his eyebrows as he pulls off more of the cloth. "_Oh_."

The faces of him and his guildmates are strung together, news articles and letters pinned besides their names. His heart sinks in his chest and he suddenly feels so incredibly sad for the blonde. He imagines her sitting in front of this board, adding details upon details about their whereabouts in an effort to… know where they are when Master comes back? Or was it to feel close to them despite how far they were?

Quietly, he places the sheet on the board once more, making sure nothing was out of place before getting back under the blankets she'd given him. He's unable to stop himself from thinking about the one name with no information under it and the pain it must be causing Lucy as he drifts asleep.

_Natsu._


	4. Chapter 4

The paper easily crumples between Lucy's hands as she throws it across the room with as much force as possible. Her pathetic attempts at writing had resulted in a trash can full of failed prompts and frustration. She needed at least four sample articles before her interview for Sorcerer's yet she was struggling to write even one. Worst case scenario, she could always pull from her old writing but it felt wrong.

She's not quite sure what to do as she stares at the blank paper on her desk. The glass-half-empty part of her tells her that she's lost her knack for writing, that she'll never get back the feeling of transferring her thoughts onto paper and being _proud _of it. The blonde has to physically shake the thoughts out of her head to stop thinking about it, the other part of her assuring that it was just a case of writer's block. She'd had writer's block dozens of times before and this time was no different. _Right?_ She wants to ask.

Lucy rolls her eyes at herself with a huff, stepping away from her desk. The cool breeze slipping through her windows beckons for her to come outside, so she sighs before slipping on her shoes and pulling her hair out of the knot it was in on top of her head. She hopes she'll be able to muster up some sort of inspiration as she grabs her keys, clipping them onto her belt. The motion feels foreign to her as she runs her fingers over them, beginning her walk through her neighborhood. She's not quite sure where she's going but the weather wasn't rainy or snowy for the first time in a few days, so Lucy wasn't going to miss the opportunity to feel some sun on her skin.

The seith mage had annoyed her to no ends during his short visit, dragging her to 8-Island for lunch when she'd admitted how long it had been since she'd really gone into town. It had been nice to talk to someone and Lucy had begun to realize that maybe instead of loving isolation, she'd just become used to it. Silence and solitude were comfortable but not _comforting. _They'd talked and laughed for hours and Lucy had been so sad to see him go that night. She hadn't let herself think about how much she missed everyone, trying to keep herself from falling any deeper into the hole that Bickslow had just barely pulled her out of.

The feeling of rubble beneath her feet brings her out of her thoughts. She doesn't know why she's surprised when she realizes where her feet have taken her. Standing in front of the ruins left of her home, Lucy feels a wave of emotions come over her. Her feet shakily move her forwards, towards the doors. She wonders whether they could even classify as doors anymore, one toppled over and the other barely holding onto its hinges. She wants to turn back, to run back to her dark apartment where she could ignore everything and pretend it was all a bad dream. Out of all her emotions, pride takes the lead as she makes her way inside for the first time since the guild was disbanded. Unfortunately, her pride is quickly overshadowed by the overwhelming vision of her guildhall in such a state (broken down, dirty, _empty)._

Graffiti slurs are strung across what's left of the walls and it still smells like ash. The strong scent in the air makes her curl into herself, visions of her dragon slayer clutching her mind, unwilling to let her forget his absence for even a minute's time. Guilt threatens to swallow her whole as she scolds herself for not coming back sooner. Perhaps there would be less destruction to fix if she hadn't spent so much time brooding in her apartment. After all, Natsu had tasked taking care of the guild to her. It was the biggest reason she'd rooted herself here. If he was here, would he be disappointed in her? She imagines that he would give her a look, rolling his eyes and making fun at her lack of progress before grabbing her cold, _cold _hands with his warm ones and leading her further into the guild.

With that thought, she's thrown into the loop of hating him and missing him all over again as she begins to pick up the trash littered on the floor. Her chest fills with the same aggravating, conflicting emotions as it always does when she thinks of Natsu. She hates him. A burning, boiling, seething rage that makes her want to throw up. He left her and she will never be able to get over that but at the same time, she loves and misses him to pieces. It's obvious that she'll always love him even if he is far, far away and she can only hope he feels the same.

Lucy finds herself cleaning up the guild nearly every day. She knew that there was months' worth of work to be done. The structure had to be completely rebuilt and repainted, most of the furniture had to be repurchased, and everything needed to be cleaned of the ash, dirt, and debris that had accumulated on top of it. She'd quickly realized that she'd need funds (_and help but she would keep denying herself of that), _so her two main focuses had become finishing her sample writings for Sorcerer's and making progress on the guild. It was a little weird to feel productive again, a good weird, a weird that helped her get out of bed every morning and push away the depression that threatened to swallow her up whole again.

She couldn't deny that there were also days where she couldn't even muster up the energy to eat, let alone get out of her bed. These days were full of all the terrible, dark feelings that she longed to lock up deep inside of her again. Then, there were the days where she'd get to the guild and just completely fall apart, overwhelmed with the responsibility that she'd put on her _own_ shoulders.

It was an odd time for her, full of some days where she felt so full again that everything almost, _almost _felt normal and days where she'd fall so deep that she wondered if she could ever get out again. But she was reading again thanks to a recent trip to the market and she'd written a few decent samples that could be polished up into something good. Unfortunately, with all of this, the nightmares that had just barely escaped returned with a vicious force as well. She preferred the raging battle of emotions and thoughts inside her mind to the nightmares of dead loved ones coming to haunt her or loved ones dying because of her.

Tonight, she settles down in front of her television with a book and a coffee mug filled to the brim with boiling hot liquid. She'd waken up nearly an hour ago in a cold sweat and decided that she and sleep were _just not meant to be._ So, she'd migrated to her living room in hopes that the voices from the television would keep her company and the book in her hand would keep her entertained enough to stay awake.

She doesn't know why she's surprised when the late-night TV host and his guests begin talking about Fairy Tail. It feels like every time she looks at a magazine or turns on the TV, the rumors about Fairy Tail got even more preposterous. Jenny Realight sits beside a man who works at Sorcerer's as well (who seems vaguely familiar, but Lucy isn't sure whether it's his face or his name that rings a bell). The kind words from Jenny about Mira make her heart happy as she smiles softly at the lacrima screen. Her smile quickly drops as the interviewer shifts his focus to the other guest. She can't understand why she just _hates _him until he begins talking about his involvement with Fairy Tail.

"So, your most recent project is an exposé of sorts on Fairy Tail and its disbandment," the host begins. Lucy raises her eyebrows, every part of her body begging to go into panic mode. Her leg bounces erratically as she continues to watch. There was no way the man could know _anything._ There was no chance any of the Fairy Tail members had said anything, especially not the ones looking for answers. Even if they had, it wasn't like they knew much in the first place. Nonetheless, the idea of an exposé on Fairy Tail makes her blood run cold.

"Well, I wouldn't call it an exposé," the guest, Kyoya, chuckles. He goes on to talk about how quickly the guild had disbanded and the lack of public acknowledgment by any of the guildmembers. "I mean, the whole thing is _shrouded _in mystery! We _deserve_ to know what happened and as someone who's worked closely and studied Fairy Tail before Sorcerer's, I know there's more to it than what meets the eye."

"Kyoya," Lucy whispers, repeating the name in her mind as she rushes towards her stack of mail, digging through the pile of letters she'd never bothered to open. She knows she's seen the name somewhere outside of Sorcerer's. She ignores the fury bubbling inside of her at the notion that anyone besides the guildmembers _"deserve"_ to know what happened as she flips through the papers.

"You've always been quite the conspiracist," the interviewer jokes, talking about his previous articles on Fairy Tail and related guilds. "Honestly, though, do you ever think you're putting a little too much thought into it?"

"A-ha!" She whispers, pulling apart the envelope with his name written on the outside and scanning the letter. She feels blood rush to her head, her face flushing, as she reads the words inside. The letter is full of questions, asking for her cooperation in finding out what happened to Fairy Tail. His words are demeaning and full of insinuations of them trying to be _sly _and _secretive. _She quickly realizes she's seen him before. He's written trashy articles on them multiple times, questioning their guildmembers and the destruction they cause, calling for their guild to have stricter regulations or for Makarov to step down as guild master.

"Sometimes, I feel like I'm going crazy," he admits with a laugh. "But if there's one thing I know, it's that there's more to this than Makarov's health or Tartarus. This _feels _big. I mean, when was the last time people from the number one guild in Fiore just up and disappeared? Natsu Dragneel, Gray Fullbuster, Lucy Heartfilia, even Makarov's grandson, Laxus Dreyer, are all gone from the media and the magic world. A guild this big, this successful, doesn't just disband like this. That's for sure."

Lucy's entire body _shakes _with anger. Despite the slight surprise of hearing her own name, she can't remember the last time she was this furious with someone. She crumples up the letter before throwing it as far as she can with a loud shout. She feels like throwing more things, like punching someone or ranting or doing anything to release the anger that was building up inside of her with each thought. She wishes she could stomp onto their set and tell him off, that if anyone _deserved _to know the truth, it was the members that were still mourning over the loss of their home and loved ones. She wants to tell him that he's a terrible person for being so insensitive about a guild, about a family that's been broken up. Can't he see how it's affecting all of them by their silence? She hates how he thinks there's some mysterious reason for all the members leaving Magnolia. She wishes she could tell him that it was just because none of them could handle feeling alone in a place that once made them feel so full, that they couldn't stand living in their hometown without their home.

She's afraid he'll find something they haven't found yet because she knows how stupid and pathetic they'll all feel if he does. She's more afraid he won't find anything and the question of why Fairy Tail disbanded will remain a mystery to them all. She's sad because she has no one to express her frustration to.

Her hands continue to shake and she clenches her eyes shut to keep from crying as she pictures him, his wild orange hair and his sly smirk. She lets out a loud sigh, feeling physically relieved of a pressure she didn't even know she felt as a bright light shines beside her.

"Hi," Loke greets. Lucy can barely reply, wiping her tears as she stares at him.

"Hi," she whispers back. They're both not quite sure what to say. The air between them is almost too thick, almost too tense, but the years of friendship between them keeps it from teetering over the edge.

"You summoned me," he says with a raised eyebrow. They'd all accepted that it would be a long time before Lucy summoned them again. They didn't doubt that she would come back to them one day but they knew she needed time. She refused to move past what she did to Aquarius, terrified of hurting the rest of them too.

"I… I did," she nods. She knows he's confused but she can't provide the explanation he wants. Lucy hopes he'll be able to figure out that she needs a guildmate more than anyone else right now.

"How have you been?"

"It's been… weird," she whispers. Another sigh of relief escapes her lips as he sits down across from her, pulling her blanket over his feet too as if no time has passed since they last spoke like this. "You?"

"Weird," he nods. Neither is sure what to say next.

"I'm still scared, Loke," Lucy admits after a moment of shared silence. She knows she has to say this before anything else as she continues, "I think… I'm always going to be scared but it's better. I promise… I'm—"

"I know," he sighs softly, smiling at her. He reaches over to place his hand on hers and she bites her lips as she cries. Loke watches her cry for a moment before telling her what Plue had done to Aquarius the other day, hoping that she would understand that they were okay. They were waiting but _they were okay_. She laughs along to his story, tears still dripping down from her chin to her chest.

"God, I miss them," she smiles once he's done, still fervently trying to wipe her tears. She hated that she was crying. She didn't want to cry anymore. "I've missed you."

"Mm," he hums in agreement.

"Tell me more," she urges, letting him tell her all the gossip of the Spirit World that she'd missed. The feeling of her magic being used is so heartwarming that she feels like crying even more than she already does. _She's missed it so much._ She's still not sure how much she'll summon them because as much as she loves them, she thinks that now, she'll always be more scared of losing them. Nonetheless, she knows she has to face them soon, has to face that fear soon.

When he's all talked out, Lucy tells him everything too. She tells him about Bickslow and Sorcerer's Weekly and the guild even though he probably already knows. It feels so good to get it off her chest. Each time she talks to someone, it seems like the part of her she's had locked up so, _so _tightly is let go of. It's hard to realize she's been lying to herself about how much she likes being alone because if she's being honest, it's not really even a realization. She's always known. She's been telling herself all of this to help let go of the fact that she may never feel like a part of a family the way she was before and how now, even when talking to Loke, she's not sure if she can ever get back the girl she's locked away.

Loke is so angry when she tells him about the interviewer and exposé. Everything is still a little awkward but it's better than it's been in months, so they don't mind it. They plan a whole fight against Kyoya, a masterplan to take him down, and by the time Lucy feels her magic begin to strain, the birds have begun to chirp outside and her stomach aches from laughing.

"You should try to sleep or at least grab some lunch or something," Loke says. "You've got to take care of yourself, you know?"

"I'm getting better at that," Lucy promises. She hoped that she was getting better. At least, she felt better. She could laugh now and her sadness didn't plague every thought in her head anymore (_only every other thought, _she jokes). "I'm getting better."

"I'm glad. I've been really worried," Loke sighs, running a hand through his hair. God, they had all been worried. There were some days he wished Lucy were weaker so she didn't have such a strong cap on their gates otherwise he could've stormed into her room, made her eat, helped her get out of bed, and be okay again. But she'd done it herself, or well, was _doing _it herself. He could tell she wasn't quite alright yet but she was getting there and that was a start.

"I'm sorry for worrying you and… and thank you," Lucy squeezes his hand. "Thank you for staying by my side even when I didn't want you to and worrying and talking and everything. Thank you for everything."

"You definitely got sappier while I've been gone," he laughs, patting her head. "Summon me soon, okay, Princess?"

"I will," she nods as he disappears. She stares at the spot he had sat in for the remainder of the day as the silence settles in around her. Her jaw hurts from talking for so long and her mind begs for her to retire to her bed. So, she tries to sleep again to no avail. Every time she closes her eyes, she pictures herself losing someone new and all the progress she's made feels irrelevant.

Nearly a week after talking to Loke, she finally finishes the samples she'd started weeks ago. They just barely meet her expectations and at this point, she knows she doesn't have anything more to offer. This was the best she could do right now and if they didn't like it, she would just have to figure something out. _A part of her wants to fail so she can continue with the life she knows, the life that is comfortable._ Despite this small part of her, her pride refuses to let her fail. She's failed more than enough this past year to last her a lifetime. As she reads over the samples for the hundredth time, she wishes she had Levy or Mira here to proofread for her. Her keys call out to her from on top of her dresser and her breath catches in her throat as she thinks of calling out one of her spirits.

Was it terrible that she only called them out when she needed something? It was, wasn't it? She's incredibly selfish and even though she knows they won't fault her for it, the thought makes her look away from her keys and step away from the papers on her desk.

Another week passes by before she decides that she's more selfish for not calling them out _at all_ and in a minute of courage, she summons Capricorn before her anxiety can consume her. She stands there staring at him, completely unsure what to say. Using her magic almost hurts, just as it did when she summoned Loke more than two weeks ago. Maybe it was because her body wasn't used to the drain of magic anymore, she couldn't be sure.

"Well, I hope you know that Taurus and Virgo are wallowing in self-pity because they aren't the next to be called after Loke," Capricorn tells her with a chuckle. She doesn't know why she expects him to be older, to have aged during their time apart, but he looks the exact same. It comforts her to see that. "What do you need assistance with?"

"I, um, I'm applying to Sorcerer's Weekly and I was hoping you could proofread my samples," Lucy tells him, finally forcing herself to speak. If he hadn't asked, she probably would have stood there the rest of the day in her thoughts. "If you don't want to or you're busy, it's completely alright but… you just always used to read over my stuff before Fairy Tail, so…"

"Of course," he nods, bowing slightly as she blinks at him. He clears his throat, making her jump towards her desk to collect the papers neatly. She suddenly feels like a child again. Capricorn had been the one to teach her how to properly read, the one who'd sat by her and sounded out all the big words, and then once she was older, the one to read over her school papers and rough drafts. She hands him a pen and the papers before he settles down in her desk chair to mark them. She wonders if he'll give her a grade like he used to when she was younger. The advice he gives is more than helpful, not that she expected any less of him, and she finds herself oddly inspired after their conversation.

"Thank you so much," Lucy tells him softly, holding the papers to her chest. He smiles fondly at her, wondering how she could resemble his late summoner so much. He often thinks of how proud Layla must be of Lucy. Not to mention how proud he is of her himself.

"No one could dream of rejecting you with those samples," he assures her. "Once you add my revisions and corrections, of course."

"You think so?" Lucy beams, the praise from her childhood teacher making her heart skip.

"I'm honored to be the person who taught you how to write," Capricorn tells her. "And honored to still be able to help the next bestselling author of Fiore."

"Capricorn," she pouts, clenching her hands to keep herself from crying as he says his goodbyes. She doesn't wait to submit the samples. As soon as she adds the new corrections, she places them into a package and makes her way to the post office to mail them off to Sorcerer's. She's apprehensive when handing it over, knowing that now, the decision was made, set in stone. Lucy knew that no one would reject her after reading her pieces and seeing her name but she still feared letting herself, and now Capricorn, down. Nonetheless, reminders of his praise are more than enough to calm her nerves and she practically beams the entire way back home.

The first few days after mailing her samples, she is more productive than she's been the past months. The guild begins to visibly improve with a lot of the trash now gone. Next would be sweeping and dusting away all the debris and ash. Laxus finally lets her talk to the rest during a phone call instead of him and Freed hogging their phone time strategizing and updating her. She tells Bickslow about Sorcerer's and he's more than elated.

"You better call me in the next few days and tell me when your interview is so I can have an excuse to ditch these assholes," Bickslow grins, his tongue lolling out of his mouth as Evergreen shouts at him in the background for calling them names. Lucy reminds him that she has to pass their preliminary round before they offer her an interview but Bickslow just laughs, telling her that if they didn't accept her, they'd be making the worst decision of their lives. He quickly follows this up with, "They'd truly mourn not seeing your big jugs every day."

All she can do is laugh when the other three scold him for her. Their call ends with her promising that she would leave them a message once she hears back about her samples. They'd all thought it would be in the next few days but a week and a half later, Lucy still hasn't heard back from them and has convinced herself that it was because she _sucked_. All her prior confidence from Bickslow, Loke, and Capricorn had quickly been erased from her mind as she retreated to her bed where she laid, curled up, contemplating life and falling into the spiral she'd just barely climbed out of. The blonde mentally criticized every choice she'd made in her samples, wishing she could take her application back.

What was she doing? She wasn't even sure if she wanted the job anymore. How long could she ask someone to stay back in her place? Lucy knows her fear is stupid and that she's pathetic for having so much anxiety over traveling for a few days but _she just can't help it. _The nightmares she has about Natsu coming back to an empty city keep her from sleeping, regret and paranoia occupying her every thought.

It's only when she finally receives a letter asking her to come in that weekend for an in-person interview that half of her worries wash away. They'd loved her samples and were excited to speak about what she was interested in writing to see if she'd be a good fit. It was a little terrifying to think about, leaving the city, possibly seeing old friends (_Jason and the Strauss'), _being a part of something bigger than herself again. So, she spent the majority of her day stressing over all those things.

Evergreen had forced random fashion advice on her for half an hour when she'd called to tell them the news and all Bickslow had said was _I told you so!_ They were happy for her, happy to see her take a step forward. It was like a parent watching their child leaving the nest for the first time.

The next few days are spent pacing her living room and practicing interview questions. She's never had to formally interview for anything, becoming a mage as soon as she was of age. Her acceptance into Fairy Tail had been faster than the snap of her fingers, so she was nervous about actually having to sit down and present her credentials. It wasn't like she had an abundance of experience or education to put her in front of other candidates. She was just a good writer and well known. Of course, she's also dying inside at the anxiety of leaving Magnolia but all she has to do is think about how it was only for two days and that Bickslow would be holding down the fort for her here. She hoped that she would have enough courage in her to summon Loke to check up on the guild and Natsu's house while she was gone to further ease her nerves, so, all in all, she had plans in place _and it was only two days._

The day before her interview, Evergreen and Bickslow both appear at her door. They both look tired as they greet her, the tension from their work apparent in their features. Lucy swears she can even see a gray hair glint in Evergreen's perfectly styled hair that she would have to tell her about later.

"I know it's only been a few months but I expected a much friendlier reception," Evergreen rolls her eyes before wrapping her arms as tight as she can around the blonde once. Bickslow and Ever had argued for two entire days about who was going to go back when Lucy had refused to choose. Bickslow had been the one who had pushed her to get the job and promised her that he would stay back but she hadn't seen Evergreen in months and the woman had become kind of like an older sister to her over the past few months, so she had no preference between the two. She trusted them both. Laxus had gotten sick of their bickering and told them they could both go visit a day early and annoy Lucy about which one of them had to return back the next day and which one was going to stay until the blonde got back. Things were calm enough for Laxus and Freed to handle themselves and if anything were to happen, the two were just a phone call away.

"My turn!" Bickslow nonchalantly plucks Evergreen off of Lucy to give her a hug of his own. Lucy laughs at Evergreen's annoyance, knowing the two of them were probably just like this over there too. Lucy wonders how Laxus hadn't killed them yet.

"It's been too long," Evergreen tells her, fixing Lucy's hair with a small smile. It had only been a few months but it felt like an eternity. Bickslow's description of Lucy after his visit comes to mind as she examines the celestial mage, noticing her thin frame and dark circles. She hadn't expected anything different, though. With everything that had happened, Evergreen would be more concerned if Lucy acted completely fine.

As they make themselves comfortable in Lucy's living room, the change in her personality becomes clearer to Evergreen. She's lost a bit of the spunk she used to have, laughing and smiling less, touching them less when talking. The older woman can't help but feel worried about the lonely blonde and wishes they had visited sooner. She couldn't imagine being alone after everything that had happened.

"I talked to Laxus about you coming and he says once we're in a better town because the one we're in right now is _super fucking shady, don't even get me started, _you should definitely visit," Bickslow tells her once she's placed cups of tea in their hands and snacks on the table. Lucy looks at him hesitantly, shooting him an awkward smile and a small nod. He lets out a soft sigh, sharing a small look with Evergreen as the blonde gets a faraway look in her eyes.

There isn't much to update her on, their last phone call covering most of the important stuff, so Evergreen happily resorts to complaining about the testosterone she's surrounded by.

"I mean, I don't know why I'm surprised anymore. You'd just think that this one," she slaps the back of Bickslow's head as she speaks. "Wouldn't casually come into the bathroom while you're using it or try to take showers with you to '_cut the water bill'."_

"It's not like I'm being sleazy when I do it!" He defends, rubbing his head. They both have to explain personal space and boundaries to the man. Lucy is a little surprised at how close the four of them were because of how distant they had felt from the rest of the guild for a long time. Laxus and Freed had been the only ones who she'd actually talked to much before Tartarus but when her team had fallen apart, it felt like the Thunder God Tribe had adopted her into theirs. For that, she was thankful. Even if she felt like she didn't quite belong, whenever she felt completely alone, she had begun to think of them.

Despite Lucy's pleads to stay in her _warm_ apartment for lunch, Evergreen decides on a nice restaurant near the markets. Bickslow snickers at Lucy as she piles layers on her shoulders to face the harsh winter wind while complaining under her breath. He'd been a victim to Evergreen's decisiveness for the past few months and he'd forgotten people didn't have a demon dictating their every move.

Lucy's conflicted between enjoying herself with the two or letting the part of her that loves being alone win as well as worrying about her departure the next day and thinking about the low she's going to feel once they leave. She's quite used to the constant state of conflict and hopes that the other two can't notice the war waging in her mind. Bickslow and Evergreen are more than amusing as they tease each other relentlessly, enjoying Lucy's occasional jabs and her twinkling laughter.

Not soon after they leave the restaurant, she notices Bickslow raise his eyebrows in surprise. She eyes him with concern before spotting the familiar mage trudging through the street in front of them.

"Cobra?" Lucy says with a tilt of her head. The man's head whips towards them, recognition flitting across his features as they approach him. Bickslow and him nod in greeting (to which Lucy makes a mental note to tease him about later. _I mean, what was it with boys and the nodding thing? They couldn't say hi like normal people?) _as Lucy asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I knew the circus was closed but I didn't think all of the fuckin' clowns had vacated the damn town," he grumbles. A laugh nearly bubbles out of Lucy's mouth at his words, _nearly. _She shoots him a look, one he knows too well from his time at the guild, so he gives her the answer she's looking for. "Got separated from the rest, so I thought I'd come and see what was up with you all, ask about Erza for Jellal."

He'd figured that most of them would've left but the drastic change of magic power from the last time Jellal had dragged them here and now was so startling that he'd made his way into the town before he could even quite think the decision through. At the least, he assumed he could get some information about Makarov. He'd known inklings of what Laxus and his team were up to from overhearing snippets of his phone calls with Jellal, so the last people he'd expected to be in the city was half of his team. Nonetheless, he was glad it was the three of them, some of the only Fairies he could tolerate, and not the obnoxious dragon slayers that seemed to constantly terrorize the guild.

"Lost Fairies always find their way home, hm?" She mumbles, memories of her teasing his team about how they were Fairies through and through surfacing in her mind. Perhaps, if the guild hadn't disbanded, they would've become members by now. The saying tastes bitter in her mouth, feels wrong. _There was no home anymore,_ she wants to whisper, a wave of pessimism coming over her.

They sit in silence for a moment, everyone unsure how to continue the conversation after her remark. He can feel the sea of grays and blues that drown her soul even when he tries not to. It's so overwhelming at moments that he can feel tears prick his own eyes at the sad melody her soul sings in hushed tones. He's never encountered a song like this one, a song so pretty yet sad Occasionally, a note in the song would be sung out of tune, _a dissonance_, that was slow and soft. It's a stark contrast to the way her soul used to sing when he last saw her nearly half a year ago.

"Sorry," Lucy laughs awkwardly, smiling at the three mages who were worriedly eyeing her. "How have you been?"

"Dandy," Cobra snorts, watching the edges of the blonde's lips quirk upwards at his words. "You?"

"Doin' dandy as well," she replies, smiling softly at their little inside joke, as a mischievous smile spreads across Bickslow's lips. He's not surprised to see an identical expression on Evergreen's face too. They'd had no idea that the two were on such good terms. Before Cobra can object, they're pulling him towards Lucy's apartment to have a cup of tea. He tells them he has to leave, that he really doesn't want to spend any more time with them than he has to, but the two ignore his complaints. He looks back at Lucy for help but the blonde shrugs, knowing that trying to go against them was useless.

It takes a few minutes of arguing before Cobra's shoved inside Lucy's apartment and another few before he sighs before slipping off his shoes and jacket and slumping down onto the couch. Bickslow raises an eyebrow at him.

"You act like I've never been here before," Cobra snickers, enjoying their confusion. "Whenever Erza was here with Blondie, Jellal would drag me here to try to cover the fact that he was trying to flirt with his girlfriend."

"They weren't very good at keeping it lowkey, were they?" Lucy laughs, shaking her head as she peels off her own layers. Bickslow and Evergreen looked between the two of them, intrigued by their friendship. They'd seen the two exchange greetings, have passing conversations at the guild, nothing too intense, so all of this was more than entertaining for them. _Finally, some normal people drama, _they think. Contrary to popular belief, Lucy and Cobra had spent enough time together to be comfortable in each other's presence. The only way Jellal and Erza could have enough courage to be in the same vicinity as each other was if the two of them were there, egging them on with stern looks. It was almost a game for them, seeing who could push their person to make a move first each date night. The two weren't quite friends though. Lucy knew almost nothing about him besides that he'd almost tried to kill her a while back (which she still annoyed him about) and she had kept her mind and soul locked up well enough to make sure he didn't know too much about her either. Despite this, she was one of the only people that could handle his snarky remarks and sour mood besides his team.

In exchange for kidnapping the grumpy mage, Evergreen offers to whip him up some tea.

"Actually, I probably still have some of that hot chocolate you like stored in a cupboard somewhere," Lucy says, ensuing in Bickslow making fun of the cold mage for his drink of choice for the next half an hour. Lucy can't honestly say she feels bad about exposing him and he can tell that much by her smile but any hard feelings he harbored for her are out the window once he takes a sip of her hot chocolate. He could never figure out what her secret ingredient was and she _refused _to tell him, saying it was a family recipe she would take to the grave. She'd had it well protected too. Even when he dug through her soul, the recipe and a handful of other things were locked tightly behind a door he couldn't reach.

They talk business for a while and it almost feels normal, for the four of them to be in Lucy's apartment like this. Lucy's fears and worries are still at the forefront of her mind but she silently listens to Bickslow and Evergreen talk to Cobra about all that was happening with the guild. They all trusted him. He was Jellal's second in command.

"How are the rest doing? Jellal, Midnight, Meredy, Sorano, Sawyer, Richard, everyone," Lucy lists. He rolls his eyes, taking his time to make fun of each member of his team. He tells her about how Sorano has joined Sabertooth and how he feels like Jellal and Meredy may be growing closer to which Bickslow pretends to pass out.

"But we're alright," he shrugs. "It's not fuckin' easy being undercover and on the run, you two know that better than anyone, but whatever."

"Mm," Lucy nods. "That's good. I'm glad you're all good."

She tells him about Erza, knowing that Jellal was probably wondering about her. At one point, her eyes flitter to the board hidden underneath the sheet on the side of her living room, the image of Erza's section on it flashing through her mind. Cobra raises his mind at the image as Lucy stares at him expectantly, hoping she wouldn't have to say some of the parts out loud, still speaking about what she'd learned from her frequent letters and postcards. He nods to tell her he's seen the dots connecting her across the map.

It's a few hours later when her lacrima begins to buzz, Freed's face appearing in front of her when she answers. She can tell by his expression that something is terribly wrong as her heart drops into her stomach.

"What is it, Freed?" She asks, Bickslow and Evergreen coming to stand behind her. Cobra wonders if he should leave but he's stuck in place, enraptured in the melancholy that suddenly fills their souls but especially the blonde's.

He explains that the town has decided to rebel against the government, that Bickslow had been right about his feelings of something brewing beneath the surface. He curses from beside her, biting his lip and shaking his head in thought.

"Laxus… I told him not to but he left to help the villagers," Freed tells them, making Bickslow erupt in a string of curses once more.

"We'll be back in less than five minutes," Evergreen promises, already gathering the things she'd littered around Lucy's living room earlier. Freed nods with a soft sigh. He'd debated solving the problem himself but he knew that with how everything was going, their night was going to end in a hell of a fight and that not only would they need back up but that the four of them would need to essentially disappear for the next few weeks.

"Fuck!" Bickslow curses once more, slamming his hand down on the table as Evergreen grabs the transportation lacrima from her bag. Lucy feels light-headed at the anxiety that consumes her at the thought of her family being in such a dangerous situation again and her not being able to do anything about it _again. _A part of her wants to go with them but she knows that it won't do any good. Her magic was too recognizable and she hadn't summoned properly in months. She would be more of a hindrance rather than a help.

"You'll call as soon as you're in the clear?" Lucy asks, wrapping her arms around herself as tight as she can to keep her tears at bay. She can't cry right now. She can't cry in front of them. "And you'll all be okay? You'll find Laxus and get the hell out of that town?"

Evergreen nods, replacing Lucy's arms with her own as she hugs the woman. She tries to keep her own fear and anger at bay, not wanting to show the blonde how terrified she was. The two were completely terrified of what was going to happen. They knew that in the worst-case scenario, they could always transport themselves back to Magnolia and be okay. That was if Laxus was willing to leave and they both had a feeling that he wouldn't without a fight, a fight he could be injured in, a fight that could reveal their identities and amount all their work to _nothing._ They were pissed at Laxus for rushing off into a fight without asking them, without thinking about what their actual mission is.

"I'm so sorry, Lucy," Bickslow whispers as he hugs her. "I know I promised and—"

"Don't you even dare worry about that right now," Lucy scolds. "You guys are going to go find Laxus and drag him out of that town and call me so I can _murder him _for being so stupid, okay? Just focus on that."

Bickslow shoots a tight smile to Cobra and Evergreen blows Lucy kisses as they disappeared from their sight. Lucy crumbles to the ground, letting her hair cover her face as her tears finally fall. Cobra rises from the couch, the crying and tension making him regret his decision to come in the first place as he reaches for his shoes.

"God, sorry," Lucy laughs, turning away from him to wipe her eyes. "This is so awkward. I know you hate awkward… I mean, who doesn't hate awkward?"

"It's fine, Tink," he sighs, scratching the back of his head. He's not sure what to say in moments like these, he never is. When anyone has a mental breakdown, Meredy is always the one to console them. The last person to come to would be him. He had the emotional intelligence of a rock. "I should, uh, I should go."

"Yeah, no, thank you for keeping us company. It was nice," she tells him, shooting him a shaky smile. He can just see right through her, see through her façade, and each crack that she's tried so hard to glue together. He's not sure if she knows but souls never lie and hers was in so much pain that he almost wanted to stay and help. Her soul almost looked like his had when things were at their worst. She had the same empty expression that he sported most of the time and he knew better than anyone that nightmares were probably the cause of her dark circles but even though he could see all of this, he couldn't _do_ anything about it. He wasn't the therapy friend who you told all your problems to. He was the _hey, I need you to beat someone up for me _friend and that was how he liked it.

So, he doesn't know why he stays in Magnolia for the night or why he finds himself going towards the train station around the time he'd seen flash across Bickslow's soul when he was saying goodbye and why he stops when he sees blonde standing in front of the trains, frozen in place.

She hadn't been able to sleep for even a second, her mind either worrying about her friends or leaving the next day. _I mean, should I even go? I could always cancel, right? _She asks herself. She's got another reason to stay in Magnolia now, in case Laxus and the rest were to come back. She hoped they wouldn't have to but in case they did, she should be here. They would need her to be here. If everything ends up being alright though, she could be losing the best chance she has at a normal job. She knows she needs the money, especially with all the repairs the guild would be needing and the money she wired to Freed's account every month so they wouldn't have to worry about money. She knows they also need her to get a good job. So, basically, she's stuck in between both options.

About three hours before her train departs, she packs up her lacrima and her writing samples and makes herself presentable. It takes her more time than usual because, between each step, she takes a thirty-minute break full of pacing her apartment and doubting her decision over and over again.

She reaches for her keys once she's grabbed all her things, her hands still shaking with a mix of fear and anxiety and dread. Loke's key glints in the light and she decides this is maybe the only thing that can help her get onto her train in an hour.

"Loke," she breathes. A feeling of safety washing over her as he appears, taking one look at her before holding her trembling hands in his. He waits for her to speak despite already knowing what she needs. "I have a favor to ask of you and I really need you to say yes because if you don't, I don't think I'll even be able to leave my apartment today."

"Yes," he answers, cutting off Lucy's rambling. She sighs, laughing at herself before covering her face with her hands.

"God, what am I doing?" She whispers, wishing that her mind wasn't such a mess and that going for a job interview a few cities over didn't make her want to crawl into her bed and cry.

"You're doing what you have to do," he tells her. "You have to go."

"And you'll stay? You'll be here?" She asks. He nods, telling her that as soon as her magic was strained, he would use his own. He tells her that even though he wasn't in the best shape, he could stay for much longer than two days before having to worry about himself.

"I'll be right here when you get back and if anything happens, one of the other spirits will let you know if I can't," he assures her. "So, _go._"

She nods slowly, grabbing her purse and hooking her keys to her belt as she exits her apartment. She hears Loke lock it from the inside, shouting for her to walk away through the door. Each step is hard but she eventually finds herself at the train station. People surround her and the sound of the trains departing paralyzes every muscle in her body. She can't go. _She can't. _This terrible, dreadful feeling fills her to the brim that something terrible is going to happen if she leaves. She's not even sure if she's breathing anymore. The only thing she knows is that she can't get on her train today.

"Hey, you good?" Cobra asks from behind her, startling her. She holds a hand to her heaving chest and notes that she, in fact, is breathing. Her breaths are staggered though and she decides she's probably having a panic attack. Her thoughts are so distorted and messy that Cobra feels a headache coming on. People were such a pain. "Take deep breathes. Otherwise, you'll pass out and I'm not carrying your ass home."

One of the train's horns goes off and Lucy's eyes flit to the large clock in front of her. It's her train. The train conductor calls for passengers and no matter how hard she tries to calm down, she can't.

"The train's boarding," Cobra informs, watching the blonde clench her hands together as her entire body shook in fear and anxiety. He's never been someone good at emotions, never been put in this sort of position where he has to do the soothing. His only memories of someone soothing him are of his mother long, _long _ago but he can't really sing a lullaby to the blonde before sending her off.

"I can't," she shakes her head, repeating the phrase as her mind goes haywire. She needs to lay in her bed and cry about all of this until she feels numb again because feeling numb is much better than feeling all of these emotions at once.

"I'll be here while you're gone," he tells her. He makes a mental note to kill himself later for the way his mouth was betraying his mind. "Like Bickslow was supposed to, right? I'll be here. It's not like I have anywhere else to go."

No matter how much she wills for her feet to move forward, she's stuck in place. Stuck in Magnolia.

"I know it's not the same as Bickslow and I know you have a shit ton to worry about but your spirit and I will handle shit here until you get back," Cobra rephrases. "I can handle shit here, Tink."

His words are oddly comforting and she trusts him. She trusts him and Loke to take care of things here. And if anyone came back, if something happened, she could be home in a few hours. She has to tell herself this a dozen times before she takes a hesitant step towards the train.

"Go," Cobra says softly, giving her a gentle nudge. It's enough for her to stumble forward and keep moving, small suitcase in tow as she nervously looks back at him. "I'll be right here when you come back in two days. I'll be right here."

She doesn't know whether it's because the man can basically read minds but he seems to have just the right words to make her continue her walk into the train. She watches him through her window until he's too far to see and then she resorts to staring at the spot where he used to be while playing his words in her head and counting down the minutes until she's back home.

* * *

_Here's a long one! As always, thank you for reading, favoriting, following, and reviewing! I read the reviews for this fic again the other day and got ~inspired~ to actually piece all the blurbs I have for this fic together, so they really do help! Any suggestions, comments, thoughts, corrections are always welcome. I hope you enjoyed reading & I can't wait to write more._


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